Everything you never learned about Pythagoras.

At some point, we were all taught that a^2 + b^2 = c^2 where c is the length of the hypotenuse and a and b are the lengths of the legs of a right triangle. But, did you know that Pythagoras didn't eat beans because he believed that part of your soul escaped every time you farted?

Pythagoras was a cultist leader of the Pythagorean School in ancient Greece. He believed that the entire world was created by numbers and certain numbers had properties or personalities. For instance, 3, my favorite number, was the number that represented masculinity. To him, math was his religion and his explanation for the universe.

For some reason, Pythagoras also thought he was at least semi-divine and his followers had absolute faith and trust in him, despite the fact that this was the same man who thought he could write on the moon by writing on a mirror with blood and facing it towards the moon. (You have to wonder why he didn't just test that out and see that it didn't work...) Because of his followers' absolute dedication, everything that they discovered in math after Pythagoras' death was still attributed to him. So, we don't even know if he was the one to come up with the theorem that bears his name.

Without a doubt, the oddest legend regarding the Pythagorean School was a result of the controversy surrounding irrational numbers. Now, I know what you're thinking: irrational numbers... controversial? YES. The Greeks loved order and thought that everything could be represented simply. But when they tried to find the length of the hypotenuse of a right triangle with two sides that have a length of 1 each, they calculated to find that c was equal to the square root of 2, which could not be represented as a fraction or any other "nice" number. This bothered the Pythagoreans, to put it lightly. They ignored irrational numbers to the point where they were forbidden to talk about it outside of their community, but there's a story that one member of the Pythagorean cult wanted to share this information with the outside world. So the Pythagoreans drowned him. 

Pythagoras lived so long ago that we're not really sure what's true and what's not. He was a mystical figure even while he was alive and that only increased after his death. But the important thing to remember is: if you've ever been embarrassed because you didn't understand your math homework, at least you didn't drown anyone over it.

Georgia On My Mind

My family has started planning our summer family vacation and it got me thinking about the part of the vacation that has the power to break your spirit before the vacation even really starts: the road trip. Throughout the years, I've had several family vacations in Florida and we've driven down from Ohio every time. In my travels, I have become acquainted with the horror that is driving through Georgia.

Coming down from Ohio, you go through Kentucky and it lasts a while. Long enough that you just start to think "man, are we STILL in Kentucky? I'll be older than Colonial Sanders by the time we get out of here." Then you go through Tennessee for about 5 minutes.

And then... you hit Georgia.

You notice that the dirt by the road is red. Do you want to know why the dirt is red in Georgia? It's because you're in Hell.

Miles and miles of tedious, boring landscape. You see a billboard by the road advertising the Georgia Cotton Museum but you don't want to stop to learn about the South's historically least ethically produced good. You just want to get out. You feel like you've been seeing cartoon pictures of peaches for years but you haven't seen a single peach tree yet. And then, suddenly, you hit Atlanta.

It doesn't matter what time you try to drive through Atlanta. Rush hour is every hour there. As if you felt like you weren't spending enough time in Georgia, it's like there's a conspiracy to keep you there. Have you finally entered the Twilight Zone? Are you going in circles? Why are you still in Georgia? WILL IT EVER END?

Finally, when you've just realized you understand the true concept of infinity, you see a sign.

Palm trees sway in the breeze like wooden, leafy beacons of hope. Florida truly is the sunshine state... and it's all the more beautiful because you never thought you'd see the sun again.

Why Sloths Are A Menace To Society

I've noticed a disturbing trend among my acquaintances and, yes, even close friends. It's something you never think will happen to you. When good people look evil in the face, surely, surely, they will recognize it for what it is.

But they don't. They adore it. They insist that it's "harmless" and "sweet" and that I just "misunderstand" them. But the only counterargument they have are videos of demonic offspring bathing. That's not evidence!!! That's propaganda set forth by the sloth elders to desensitize humans to their true nature!

And that is why I must educate the world.

Exhibit A: When Sloths Attack

Still convinced he's harmless? Don't make him angry... you won't like him when he's angry.

Exhibit B: Kristen Bell's Emotional Sloth Torment

No creature on Earth was meant to produce such an extreme reaction. Clearly they possess the powers of evil to send Kristen Bell into this tormented emotional state.

Exhibit C: Only Dreams Now

You can't tell me this isn't terrifying.

Exhibit D: Horrible Uncanny Valley Syndrome

It looks human-shaped. EXCEPT FOR IT'S LONG SHARP CLAWS AND PLOTTING EYES.

I know what you're thinking... "But Anna, they move so slowly, surely they can't ever actually HURT anyone?"

And that, my friends, is what makes the sloths our most dangerous enemy. They've tricked us into thinking they don't stand a chance against us. Where you see laziness, I see dangerous animals biding their time and conserving their energy. They're waiting. But when the time is right, you can bet the sloth revolution won't be something that happens slowly.